things that matter most.

i need to sit down and document my thoughts now. i'm afraid if i go to bed now (which i really really feel like doing at this moment - the hot weather has drained all the energy that's left inside of me), i wont be able to recapture the thoughts that have been provoking me of late.

the journey to church this evening was a difficult one. i felt very hesitant, heavy-hearted, and was very tempted to just skip this month's prayer meeting. but i'm glad i went because it's such a refreshing experience. although physically and mentally drained for the day, it's empowerment from within. God spoke to me tonight, and tonight my heart was softened and i heard His still small voice. praise the Lord!

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looking back, the past few months have been such a ride. i've never cried so much in my entire life. it was one thing after another, it was as if i was being attacked from all different corners and angles and from various aspects. i was so weak, yet i kept trying to do things my way. i cried till eyebags have become a permanent fixture in licia, i cried till the tears rolling down my cheeks burnt my face, on numerous occasions.

i feel so ashame of myself and of how i run back to God everytime i'm sad and troubled. but when things get slightly better, i start going my own way again, telling Him that i can handle it on my own.

despite keeping my quiet time with Him, deep inside me, i knew i was fading away. i grew distant from God and although i prayed everyday for His will to be done, i was like Jonah trying to run away from God, i simply didnt allow God to be part of my life. quiet time was just any other routine. i must say, that there were certain days which were "good days" and i'd cry out to God and tell Him i need Him and apart from Him, i'm nothing. but fast forward to a few days, you see me back to square one. and the cycle repeats itself again and again.

i really really really hope this wouldnt just be another cycle. i think i've had more than enough, and really, apart from God, i'm nothing. life would just be so meaningless without His presence.

but even if i were to forsake Him once again, God is always faithful and He has promised never to leave me nor forsake me. He'd always welcome me with His warm embrace and take me into His presence once again, forgiving me of my past faults and failures, because God's love for me is unconditional and everlasting.

there were many times i chose to do things my own way despite knowing that it wasnt according to God's will. i grew so cold and distant, i was so tempted to leave His presence (knowing that God will always forgive me at the end of the day). yet God is faithful and gracious and ever-so-merciful. i was never allowed to be tempted to more than i could bear. and i couldnt possibly be more thankful for how things have turned out now. hallelujah!

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what was so refreshing tonight that gave me a new insight to things, you may ask. it was just like any other prayer meetings but a couple of sharings from missionaries serving abroad. these wonderful people live their lives for God's purpose and glory. it's amazing at how much they've sacrificed for the Lord. yet, i, living in my own comfort zone, refuse to live my life for Him. i'm ashamed.

Matthew 6:33 says "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you".

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my thoughts are really jumbled up and there's no order of any sort. haha.
i started by saying thoughts that have been provoking me of late. yeah, despite drawing away from Him, God never gave up on me. He continued to speak to me, through people and through circumstances, through songs and His Word, but my heart was hardened.

i was looking through my older blog posts a couple of days ago, and it hit me and made me realised of how seldom i talked about God these days. it's always about me, never about Him. and it shook me pretty hard (but at that time, not hard enough to wake me up). i used to blog so much about my encounters and experiences with God and of the many miracles i've witnessed in my life, of how i totally depended on Him, trusting in Him in each step of the way, despite the uncertain circumstances and situations i was in.

i've run dry. very very dry. and i need to be filled again, O Lord. i need You. i really need You.

"I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about you
All about you Jesus.
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about you,
All about you Jesus."

it's about time the prodigal daughter returned to her Father. <3

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on a similiar note, i'm going to take some time off facebook (as i've come to realised i've spent an exorbitant amount of time on it) to sit down and ponder on more important things, and to set my priorities right.

i am aware, that this is only the beginning, and i may fall back once again. but by God's grace, i will be able to make it through.

there's so much more that matters in life. i've been so obsessed with my own self, and always trying very hard to satisfy my own selfish desires and cravings, it was as if the world revolves around me alone.

i'm letting go this time, letting go of anything that has been having a tight grip of me and preventing me to live a life that would reflect upon God's glory.

and maybe my dear friends (leaf and prece), maybe this would also mean less nonsensical and pointless talk or gossip. haha! and leaf, perhaps less stalking too. lol. there may be slight changes, but i sure hope it's for the better. be with me in this.

God bless and take care. xoxo.